As a young girl, I prayed to become a mother. Now all these years later, I have: one child in heaven, an active one and a half year old, and one growing in my womb. I prayed diligently, desperately, and impatiently to become a mother. It has been such an incredible experience to have the vow of my love tested in a new way and I thank God for fulfilling the desires of my heart.
I have also prayed for purpose, for fulfillment, and contribution to my society. I prayed for work. It is funny that when I was a single person, I never understood the consequence of prayer. I prayed as I felt God lead me and also prayed as I desired, yet I had no idea how two prayers could lead to such a battling of my heart and mind. I prayed for work, because I knew that even as a full-time stay-at-home mom, I would still want to be doing something. I wanted to serve others and show my children how to do it.
Fast-forward to current day. I work full-time from home and my husband is the full-time stay-at-home parent while doing construction on the side. What lead to this switch in what would be considered as “normal” roles, happened so suddenly and was completely God ordained that I’m left in awe and… confusion.
I prayed to have children: Check
I prayed to have work: Check
Prayers answered, so why in my gratefulness do I find pain? Pain and doubt about whether I am doing the right thing for my family. Pain that I’m possibly cheating my daughter of the mom I would be if I didn’t work.
I was raised in a conservative family with the belief that a Christian woman’s place in the world was the home and if she worked she was selfish and neither cared nor loved her children. I know this to be biblically inaccurate because the Proverbs 31 woman is testament enough to a woman who worked within and outside the home. There are also no other verse specifically condemning a working mother, and how could it? At the time the Bible was written, a large percentage of women were slaves and servants. Long story short, if the Bible is true and accurate it needs to apply to all people in all circumstance, but I digress.
Even though I have found that God does not condemn a working mother, I find that I have not fully relinquished my childhood strictures or my own desires of what I wanted my motherhood to look like. As I praise God each day for my children, I also wrestle for what is good for our family and children. I’m learning to not stay discouraged as I wrestle my battle with God because it will be a testament to my children of what a mother, wife, and woman after God lives like.
I remember telling God that this:
“You had me pray to be a mother. You had me prayer to be a worker. You had me prayer etc… Yet how can my desires feel so conflicting? How can this work when it is not exactly how I pictured it?”
It is interesting how we can make some beliefs idols in our hearts and minds, how we allow ourselves to believe that any other way is unbiblical and ungodly. Yet time and time again, God challenges my beliefs. As my husband and I walk out in obedience in how God wants us to lead our family, I see how He also places us in circumstances that not only mentally challenge me but force me to put my beliefs into practical life. It is times like these that I find whether my beliefs truly are biblical and godly. It shows me whether deep down I have truly let God change my beliefs or if I still cling to an old comfort.
The pain of my answered prayer is that my beliefs are being tested. The pain of my answered prayer is that my beliefs cannot and will not hold against the will of God. The pain of my answered prayers is that I will have to be daring and let go of my beliefs that I have dearly clung to and dare I say: built my life upon. The pain of my answered prayers is that I have to lean on the Holy Spirit to be courageous, to walk and think in a new way that will lead to freedom and obedience to God.
God, thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for testing my beliefs, vows, desires and prayers. Thank you for the pain You allow so I can grow. Thank you for the joy we find when we let You make us new.
To a God who will never leave us unchallenged.
For I Know Who I Serve 